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Bored Panda

Mindaugas Balčiauskas

“Your Head Is Really Just A Place To Store Your Teeth”: 46 Insults That Are Pure Poetry

A good insult can hurt more than a punch to your nose or your stomach. Physical pain fades, but you never forget a verbal hit — words can stay with you even on your deathbed. Some people have such a way with words that it might be surprising they haven’t won a Pulitzer Prize for Poetry yet, but we’re here to make that right.

Bored Panda found some posts with the most creative, brutal, and chaotic insults that one can conceive of. They come to you from one chain on Threads and another post from r/AskReddit, where both posters asked fellow netizens to share the best insults they’ve ever heard.

Scroll down and enjoy the magnificent poetry of meanness, where people are likened to brain-eating amoebae, accused of being crayon-eaters, and called plain dumb in the most picture-esque and eloquent ways imaginable.

#1

I got called into a meeting with HR today cause apparently telling my coworker that I knew he was a C-section baby by the way he avoids labour is not acceptable in the workplace.

#2

We've got a guy at work we call "Dory", because we have to retrain him after every break.
When he tries to remember something, we tell him to "just keep swimming"

#3

Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

#4

I heard someone say "she would make a train take a dirt road" I couldn't stop laughing

#5

I did buy an unpleasant coworker 2 pairs of sunglasses for a secret Santa, once, with a card that said "one pair for each face".

#6

Your head really is just a place to store your teeth, huh

#7

I was a cashier at a grocery store and the cashier next to me chatted with the baggers non-stop and would hold up her line all damn day cuz she wasn't paying them attention. One customer blurted out in frustration, "MY GOD, DO YOU GET PAID BY THE WORD OR THE HOUR?"

#8

“The acoustics in your head must be amazing”

#9

One of my favourites: you seem like the person that can tell how different colour crayons taste

#10

In 2017 I was drunk and trying to send a picture of the ol’ family jewels and rod to a lady (at her request, I’m too lazy when drunk to deal with a zipper without prompting). I posted it to Facebook.

Not even 20 minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch getting supremely irritated at her lack of appreciation of my equipment (perceived, as she had not responded. Probably because I never sent it to her) that had gone to sleep in the meantime. The notification was a Facebook comment from my mother that read: “It wasn’t impressive when you were a baby, it’s not impressive now. You should take this down before you embarrass yourself.”

She told that story at my 35th birthday last year.

#11

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries”.

#12

"I'd challenge you to a duel of wits but I refuse to fight an unarmed man."

#13

I heard one ages ago that went- "I thought you'd at least be nice since you're not so pretty"

#14

I pity the plant that worked tirelessly to produce the air you're wasting.

#15

As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?

#16

my go to recently has been “Your teachers usually sighed when you raised your hand in class, didn’t they?”

#17

David Letterman interviewing Tina Fey: after some blah blah conversation DL "hey I'm not as dumb as I look". TF "How could you be?".

#18

I like " she's like a monet, beautiful from a distance but up close she's just a big old mess".

#19

I told a friend I was prom king in conversation and his response was " Oh thats right you were home schooled." So good I had to hug him.

#20

You're the kind of person who'd answer the door if someone tells a knock knock joke.

#21

"If you were a spice, you'd be flour."

#22

"I see your brain-eating amoebae used up their last supplies."

#23

'Sensor Light' - only works when someone else is around ...
This is one of a whole bunch of classic Aussie workplace insults

#24

“I see you got placed in the Witless protection program”

#25

Stop acting like your shoe size is your IQ

#26

When I was a student psychiatric nurse, a patient yelled at me ...
"You dastardly dodo's dung heap!"
Definitely the best insult I've ever had.

#27

I put up a sign because one person wouldn't do his own dishes "clean up after yourself, your mother doesn't work here" I was told to take it down. I argued that I didn't specifically signal anyone in particular, but everyone knew who I was talking about.

#28

"Please, don't think. It does not suit you."

#29

Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents.

Context: I had replied with the above to a man I had declined to go out with, after he’d reacted by saying “You are a disappointment.” Based on his threats of severe bodily harm, I’d guess it was one of my better insults.

#30

I take great solace in your flammability.

#31

"Go home, your village is missing its idiot."

#32

“In a zombie apocalypse, you’re the only safe one.”

#33

i like to describe people as “god’s first draft of x”, or just call them by an article of clothing they’re wearing. “okay turtleneck” “okay khakis”

#34

No brains no headaches
😂

#35

You have delusions of adequacy.

#36

I applaud your confidence in the absence of knowledge or expertise.

#37

I don’t have the crayons or time to explain this to you.

#38

You’re like the end piece of bread, everyone touches you but no one wants you.

#39

“You look like I need a drink.”.

#40

This is kind of specific, but, my ex wife wanted to get in an argument about something and I told her to call my wife about it (she’s a 6th grade teacher). When my ex asked why, I said because my wife is better at dealing with children.